Joke of the Day!

Love it

har har, groan. d you know how many times i've heard that?
almost as many as the chuffin song by sasha distel!!!!!

blonde on a plane sitting in economy on take-off moves to executive class n sits down,
the steward see's her, goes over and asks her to return to her own seat in economy.
blonde says ooh, no, i'm blonde, sexy and i'm going to new york and i'm not moving till we get there,
the steward again tries to pursuade her to return to her original seat in economy,
again she replies, ohh, no, i'm blonde, sexy i'm going to new york and i'm not moving till we get there,
the steward tells the captain, he has a look, she is indeed lovely, he turns to his steward and says leave it to me.
he goes over to the blonde, whispers and in her ear, she gets up says i'm terribly sorry my mistake and returns to her seat in economy.
the steward is astonished and asks the captian what he said to her to get her to move.
'well, i simply told her this half of the plane wasn't going to new york'

chell
x

Look at the time!! Got up esp to do this before work!!

Sorry MM forgot that was your name, anyway you took it well. Love the joke.

I knnow why turtle wax is so expensive .......................because turtles have really tiny ears

This is tomorrows but I might not get the chnace to post it before work in the morning:-

A man walks into a fishmongers with a salmon under his arm. "Do you make fish cakes?" he asks. "Of course", says the fishmonger. "Oh good" says the man, "it's his birthday"!!!!

This is Thursday's. It's a little rude - no offence meant!!

A couple decide to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary by booking the suite where they had their honeymoon. They are having breakfast in bed and the wife says"My dear, this is so romantic. My breasts feel all warm and tingly." "I'm not surprised", replies her husband, "One's hanging in your coffee and the other's lying on my bacon!"

A very naive student is found naked in the city centre. When the police pick him up he tells them, 'Well I was at this party and somebody said lets all get naked and go to town. It looks like I'm the first one here.'

lol, roflmao

that was funny, quick n caught me unawares.
chell
x

He's a scary man

have a look at this one ppl




An Alberta couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to co-ordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Calgary and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email to a wrong person!!

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into
the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: January 17, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.


ps. it sure is freaking hot down here!



chell
x

Very funny - enjoyed that

A lion is roaming the jungle looking for something to eat. He comes across two men, one sitting under a tree reading a book and the other typing away at his typewriter. The lion quickly pounces on the man reading the book and eats him - because even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp!!!

It's back!!!!

The police station toilet has been stolen . The cops have nothing to go on!!!!!

It will get better!

One of the many emails I get sent by my hubby, most of which I couldn't put on here, should be ok with this I hope....


I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my ***** when a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid woman..........why else would I buy dog food??

ROTFLMAO

no more jokes????

What's invisible and smells of bananas?






Monkey pumps

Well done FT!!

A man has surgery and is given a pigs ear, a month later he goes back for a check up. "any problems" asked the doctor. "Not really" said the man "although I do have a bit of crackling"!!!

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

Very good - enjoyed that - bet it took ages to type!!

Doctor Doctor there's a strawberry growing out of the top of my head.
"Just a minute" said the doctor "I'll give you some cream for it"!!

Lol... I feel the groan factor coming back

Whats black, white and red?

... think you know this one...

...a nun with sunburn...

A man falls asleep on the beach and gets severe sunburn. He's rushed to hospital by his wife, where the doctor rubs lotion all over him and prescribes Viagra. "Viagra!", exclaims his wife, "What good will that do?". "It'll keep the sheets off him", the doctor replied!!

Hee hee


What kind of fires do turtles fear the most???


House fires

And just out of interest..... how do rodents save each other from drowning?


...with mouse to mouse

OK... brace yourselves


What do you get when you cross a psychiatrist and a plumber?





I don't know, but it sounds like emotionally draining work

Oh Dear!!!

A leopard kept trying to escape from the zoo.....but it was no good, he was always spotted!!

What do you call a dead tractor collector???


An ex-tractor fan !!!